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Seeking Balance By Robin Sauerwein My 87 year old friend, Doug once reminisced to me about how he spent his summers as a kid. He said, “As soon as we had finished our bowls of Wheaties we fled to the outdoors, not to return again until noon for a glass of milk and a peanut butter sandwich. On the vacant lots – and there were still plenty of them – we built forts and caves and tree houses. They were the years of The Great Depression, but we kids didn’t pay much attention because we were free – free of supervision by adults of any kind.” Times sure have changed and so have the way kids spend their time. Today’s kids are so busy in scheduled activities that there is little time left to wander aimlessly to the local park or to just hang out with neighborhood friends. Instead, from birth on, many kids spend their free time in structured programs, carefully chosen by their parents. Summer camps are now geared towards specific subjects like language, science, and computer. Even Sylvan Learning Centers © advertises tutoring for kids in the summer to keep them ahead one grade, guaranteed before school starts in the fall. When the school year resumes, the activities double and even triple for many families. The weeks go by in a blur as families rush from work to activities to home. For some families the list is never ending. Extracurricular activities can be a positive part of any child’s life. Children gain friendships, learn new skills, develop new interests. Kids also need social interaction and to develop important connections with their peers and with adults. Activities such as sports teach children the importance of team work. Physical activity is especially crucial in this time of rising obesity and diabetes rates. Music and the arts develop imagination and thinking skills, and can help children in other academic areas of their life. But have we gone too far? Structuring every bit of free time a child has, may actually backfire for some parents. Youth need lots of different experiences, yet, unfortunately, many are forced at a very young age to decide which sport or activity they want to be involved in because everything is becoming year round. In the past twenty years, family life has vanished by as much as 50% while structured sports time has doubled. Family dinners are on a rapid decline. A report published by the National Sleep Foundation in 2000 also disclosed that many U.S. adolescents do not get enough sleep especially during the week. And what happens when the football coach tells you that practice is mandatory and that no other family activity can take its place? When does the role of extracurricular activities replace the importance of family time and tradition? Are “holidays” like Thanksgiving the only time your family sits down at the dinner table or sees each other for an evening instead of in passing to another practice? Putting Family First Putting Family First is a grassroots, community wide organization that was begun nine years ago in the Wayzata/Plymouth area by Barbara Carlson and Dr. Bill Doherty, a professor from the University of Minnesota. Their mission is to raise awareness about the crucial connections between parents and children and to provide tools for parents to help make those connections happen. Carlson said when they first started out they were just beginning to hear people say how busy they were. “… Although still in whispered tones.” Today their message is resonating with many families. The putting family first challenge asks families to spend 21 minutes a day for 21 days around a table with their children (eating, playing games, etc.) and to get their kids to bed on time. They chose 21 days because behaviorists say that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. “Our society tells us that a good parent signs their kids up for every opportunity, pays for it, gets them there on time and watches from the sidelines. Parents often don’t realize that the very basic foundation of healthy child and youth development is close family relationships. When there are too many activities the thing we most often lose is family time,” Carlson said. It’s no longer about ‘just keeping up with the Joneses’ but rather keeping busier than every one else. Competitive parenting has put families on a spinning merry go round without a way to get off. Even though parents know how busy they are, there is still reluctance to change for fear of missing out or letting their kids down. Psychiatrist, Dr. Alvin Rosenfield, in a talk given to parents in 2005, titled, “Harvard, Soccer, Over-scheduled Families” said, “Child rearing is now America’s most competitive, and expensive, adult sport.” Overscheduling in every activity is part of what parents do today. Contemporary writing convinces parents that starting activities early and continuing throughout childhood will increase their child’s success and perhaps even gain access into top colleges. There is very little scientific evidence to support this. Some anecdotes actually argue the other way. Albert Einstein talked late and did poorly in school. Steven Spielberg was turned down by several film schools. It isn’t always the perfectly structured child who succeeds in life. Carlson said although parents may hope for that sports scholarship the reality is that, “only 1% of kids in sports will get a sports scholarship, of that 1% only 1% will get onto a professional team.” “Many of us devalue true play, which needs no purpose beyond the pleasure of being. Diminishing play’s importance damages imagination and creativity because it does not treat as precious, children’s natural joy in discovering. When not racing, our kids have no idea what to do and become bored. So Mom and Dad end up acting like cruise ship activities directors; isn’t being a parent a higher calling than that?” Rosenfield said. Contrary to popular belief, boredom is not necessarily bad. Rosenfield said that, “America’s economic success is based on people who challenged conventional wisdom, followed their inner passions, tinkered, and did the impossible–people like David Packard, Bill Gates and Steven Spielberg. Kids need some alone time to rehearse in their minds, to relax and veg out.” The other side to parents being equally if not more busy than their kids is what we are in essence teaching them. Rosenfield said, “No kid I know listens to what his or her parent says. They watch what their parents do. We transmit our values every day in the choices we make and actions we take.” “If all we do is work constantly and expect everyone else to do the same, our children may conclude that we do not consider joy integral to a good life. Do we really want to model all work and no play?” he said. But what is considered busy for one family may not be for another. Rosenfield quoted Jung who said, “The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.” Although every child is different, one thing every child needs is time with his parents. According to the Center for Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA), the best thing we can do to reduce risky behavior is to eat meals together at least five times a week – kids with at least one parent,” Carlson said. “We don’t give parent points for eating dinner with our kids, playing ball in the backyard or just hanging out together,” she said. Carlson said to build a strong foundation, it takes time. And parents need to choose carefully what their kids will be involved in. Watch out for that fun activity that turns into practice six times a week with games all weekend. For some families that type of involvement may work. Then it is important to fit in connection times during meals, in the car, at bedtime. Carlson encourages parents to practice TLC or Talk, Listen, Connect: Talk about what is so sacred in their lives that nothing will interfere with it. For example, decide how much you want your ten year old to practice sports. Is it sacred to eat meals together, visit grandparents, and worship together? Those decisions need to be made. Listen to your kids. Watch for warning signs of being too involved. Not eating or sleeping well and feeling overwhelmed. Connect with your children every day. Ultimately this is a question of balance. We need to give children opportunities and activities that will enrich their lives, but also need to give them plenty of down time and time to connect as a family Resources Websites: www.puttingfamilyfirst.org www.hyper-parenting.com Dr. Alvin Rosenfield website, author and psychiatrist www.casacolumbia.org National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University. Best information on teen use of substances and the importance of family meals. Books: Putting Family First: Successful Strategies for Reclaiming Family Life in a Hurry-up World The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap Busy But Balanced Just Let the Kids Play: How to Stop Other Adults from Ruining Your Child’s Fun and Success in Youth Sports by Bob Bigelow (former NBA player) Ideas on Connecting for a busy family • Mealtimes are the best way for families to connect. Make it a family affair where everyone helps. Even very young children can set the table and clear the trash. • Bedtimes offer a great opportunity to connect. Have everyone tell about a Good Thing and Bad Thing that happened that day. This will help children get in the habit of talking about bad things too. • Don’t give up family vacations. They don’t have to cost a lot. Pitch a tent in the yard or sleep in front of the fireplace. Vacations offer extended time to bond without interruptions. • Pick a special place to have special talks - a special chair or the stair landing. To show you are REALLY listening, turn off the Blackberry and don’t answer the phone. • Practice serendipity with your kids. Offer them an unexpected surprise - grab your child and dance around the room; have an impromptu water fight; leave a message in chalk on the sidewalk, a note in the lunch box etc. • Make a BIG deal about birthdays. • Children should contribute to the family by doing chores, but take time for fun - rake leaves but take time to jump in them; shovel snow but take time to build a snow fort or have a snowball fight etc. • Take advantage of those ten minute slots - riding to practice, waiting for a green light, commercial breaks etc. Carry a book of questions in the car to stimulate conversation or talk about what is happening in the program you’re watching. • Put a small heart sticker on your watch or cell phone to remind you, "Have I connected with the kids today?"
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