Why Can’t Grandma Remember My Name?
How to Care for Kids When a Confused Grandparent Moves In

By Michael Lotti

In the spring of 2007, Alzheimer’s forced my mother-in-law out of her house and into ours. At first, my wife and I focused on her needs.  But we quickly saw that our children, as they lived with an often bewildering grandmother, needed special attention too.  Below are few guidelines we’ve developed along the way about kids who live with an Alzheimer’s patient.

Guideline #1: Safety First, Kids First

Nana – our long-used name for my mother-in-law – is like many Alzheimer’s patients: as her disease has advanced, she has become more docile.  More than ever, a blank stare is the answer to questions.  But for one four-day period, she became delusional.  Convinced that she was needed at her son’s house in Indiana, she stuffed some blankets in a garbage bag and kept asking why no one had picked her up.   

Four days showed us that such behavior would have been unbearably stressful over a longer period of time.  After all, if she was delusional about her son, she could be delusional about anything, and no one could feel safe or secure around her.

So we made a rule for ourselves.  If anyone feels physically or emotionally unsafe because of Nana, it’s time to find another home for her.  No one, especially children, should be asked to live with someone who is delusional, paranoid, angry, violent, or destructive.  If we’re faced with a choice between caring for Nana and caring for our kids, the kids win. 

Guideline #2: Talk, Talk, Talk

A few months after my mother-in-law moved in with us, our oldest daughter started speaking snappily to her.  When asked what was going on, my daughter quickly produced a verbal complaint list: Nana puts the salad dressing in the freezer and clean cups in the dishwasher; Nana can’t ever find the salt and pepper shakers; Nana always needs help finding her remote; and Nana thinks grandpa is still alive.  Suddenly, it was clear: we hadn’t told her anything about Alzheimer’s. 

That night, we had a family meeting after Nana went to bed.  We explained Alzheimer’s to all of our children and how we were trying to care for Nana.  We explained that Nana was probably never going to get better and would almost certainly get worse.  And then, our kids surprised us.  Instead of resistance and resentment, they expressed relief along with their new comprehension.  They agreed to help out and even came up with things they could do with Nana that would be fun for her.

Talking (and listening) is especially important for the older kids who can remember the pre-Alzheimer’s Nana.  They observe, feel, and think more deeply than the little kids, so they need parents who can answer questions and nod understandingly when they express frustration.  When my wife and I thought about it, we realized that in their world of books, movies, and television shows, sickness and hardship are always followed by a happy ending.  Talking and listening cannot soften the no-happy-ending reality of Alzheimer’s, but understanding and being understood makes it easier to live with. 

“Nana meetings” have become a regular part of our life since then.  They give everyone a chance to learn more about Alzheimer’s, express frustration, and even laugh together about some of Nana’s behaviors and comments. 

Guideline #3: Include Everyone in the Care

All of the kids take part in Nana’s care. 

Some of this is by necessity.  If my wife is at the YMCA and I have to run to the grocery store, I get one of the older kids to sit with Nana until I get back.  If my wife or I get an important phone call, we’ll often ask one of the younger children to listen to music or play dolls with Nana. 

My wife and I always try to be on the lookout for ways the kids can help.  If some of them are playing a game, we have them invite Nana to watch.  Games don’t make sense to her anymore, but she delights in watching and doing simple things like rolling dice and mixing up dominoes.  Nana also likes to share her enjoyment of television, so we ask the kids to watch “Wheel of Fortune” in her room (and they occasionally get to stay for reruns of “The Cosby Show”). And since Nana is prone to say “no” to my wife and me, we often have the kids ask her to do things she’s reluctant to do, like take a walk or go shopping.               

While we try not to ask too much of our kids, we have actively resisted their tendency to avoid Nana.  Through caring for her, they have learned that family requires work, but also that work can be fun, rewarding, and a way to experience the love that can only come from sacrifice.  And they have come to see how special Nana is and how special they are to her.

Guideline #4: Take Time Away

We haven’t taken a family vacation in two years, mostly because of Nana.  She can’t handle the rigors of travel, and there’s no one to care for her for more than a few days at a time.  And even if there were, Nana would be more confused than normal, and perhaps frightened, if we suddenly disappeared from her life for a week.

The kids have noticed the lack of a vacation.  They’ve also noticed the small things that don’t happen because of Nana.  On one day, the oldest two can’t go to swim practice because Dad is working late and no one can watch Nana if Mom drives them.  On another day, a family game or movie gets cancelled because Nana got a cough and has to see the doctor. 

For the most part, the kids have done what kids do: complain and then adapt. 

My wife and I don’t complain, but we haven’t fully adapted either.  We’re not willing to let Alzheimer’s take too much family time out of the only childhood our kids will know.  So we’ve taken advantage of every offer of help that’s come our way.  While Nana has been with cousins, siblings, or friends, we have enjoyed swim meets, baseball games, movies, camping overnights, and even time at home, all without the stress and distraction that come from having Nana around. 

Such times do what vacations – even very short vacations – are supposed to do: enable everyone to return to the daily routine with more positive energy.  In our case, that means caring for Nana and each other better.  And of course it also means fun times together, something that every family needs.

Last week, Nana forgot that our one-year-old was a girl and thought that 10:00 AM was bedtime.  She will, no doubt, lose more memories and abilities next week and every week after that.  And at some point, when my wife and I can’t care for her without neglecting our kids, she will move into a nursing home.  Until then, we will be grateful for her presence in our house.  After all, she and her Alzheimer’s help us to be a loving family.

return to top